The only thing that's left from adolescence is the music

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

The only thing that's left from adolescence is the music

Today I had a busy day at work, then I came home and organized some part of the house, so I could get the children at school. I didn't had time to prepare anything to eat, so we went to a snack house and ate a lot of junkie food, which we couldn't have eaten. Ah, and we had some juice too. Actually, this way I spend a lot more money than normal.
When we got home, I was talking with Leticia and Caio about my adolescence and it's music. The music from the 80's.
I never thought I could see my idols again on youtube, and even choose which one to play first.
My generation has suffered the lack of knoledge about sex, the depression from not to understand what the aduldts didn't explain. But at least we had a lot of great songs, and musicians, like Legião Urbana, Gang 90, between others...
That songs made us happy, gave shape to our emotions and made the wait less exhausting.
Back then, in Campinas, there was two ice-cream shops, one named Brunella and the other Castelo. There the teenagers used to meet eatch other friends. I suffered a lot because my parents didn't let me go out much, and I used to sneak out to go there quickly. I had the feeling that I was watching my life passing by, just like a soap-opera.
At school I tried to create my freedom, changed from early to night classes, and with the night, the friends, I met the exciting essence of being free. Then, I realized that freedom continues with the consequences that happen after it. For example, I started smoking, Hollywood generation. This was a way we could scream our independence, includding me in a new group, made of friends. Well, I only noticed with 30 years old that this smoking industry that gave us independence make us pay much more than we should.
I thought I was always losing everything, there was a boy from high school called Tutu... honestly, only as an adult I realized that waiting is useless and that pain is never enough or are always too little...
however, it lies in this path made of hormones and changing economy the whole that makes us what we are today.
Adolescence is a very fragile time, with undeniable and endless feelings that one day become memories.
Almost every woman wants to go back to when beauty and esthetics are natural, even when they know that the present makes us women. It's hard to go back to 45kg, and almost every man wants the vigor they have with 16 years. But we can't go back to 16.
However, we can feel the same things listening to the songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1Wu9ASUn0&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaunNDIkDYw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YIrwblUdac&feature=related
By 6h30PM I'll be back to work. I always let myself go late. This is my organizational error, and I'll go with one of these songs on my mind.

Organization

Monday, May 19th, 2008

Organization

Today was the open house and everything was quite in a hurry. I did it all with the help of de director and Noemia, a kind coordinator. I saw a lot of profiles of students, each one with a picture, a lot of them with "quitter" written on it... Then I kept looking those profiles and thought: What happened to this kids? Where have they been?Unfortunately, the children rights are often tyranized by the adults. They are careless in a time that even ECA (children estatute) is stablished.It's right that the young keep together and learn with the adults of their species, but how long should the young human beings be under the rules of adults? Anyway, it's told that without rules, our species wouldn't have survived. Our evolution is completely based on the basics of rules and organization. The open house was quite difficult to me, because I was having trouble to understand the most technical parts. It has always been this way, I'm a very dispersive person, and usually need to organize myself better... Organization to learn.

Few minutes for May 19th.

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

Few minutes for May 19th.

It's Funny, when I was a kid, I couldn't imagine I would get to the new century, and this idea seemed some kind of absurd. I remember a class that I took on the fifth grade, elementary school, in 1980, when a history teacher named Maria Rita once told us: "All of you are young now, and was born at the end of the 20th century which is nearly at it's end. In the future, others will tell you you're from the past century."
I thought about it that time, but thinking about something twenty years from now is kind of dificult for a child, so i didn't thought about it anymore, until now...
It's weird how we deal with time: sometimes you have plenty of it, and then, all of a sudden, you don't have any to deal with, only the idea of having more.
Today I woke up on a hurry, as usual, went to work at the Family School, which work on saturdays and sundays. Later at home, I started some chores, waiting for my children and ex-husband.
Didn't know what to do first, almost got mad trying to stop time, almost gave up, noticing that I lost my battle with time, since trying to organizing it meant dealing with a lot of chores, none of them less important than another.
Only now, at 00h27 Have I done 3/4 of what I had to do, and feel a kind of remorse for the things I didn't do.
Some people usualy mistakes the notion of time and life, but should we consider them synonyms?
My boyfriend Artur says that time passes trhough us, not the opposite. Anyway, for most of the women who hadn't sister Dulce's gifts, time is winner in an unfair fight against esthetics and our struggle will never be awarded.
Well, as time passes, we lose in appearance but gain in experience, joy and a lot of good laughs to remember, we learn to understand and comprehend others. Taking a look over time is the methaphysics and history!

No sleep

Wednsday, May 14th, 2008

No sleep.

I didn't sleep tonight (from yesterday to today), thinking about the earthquake that hit China and Zaire, and about the maya civilization prophecies that tell the live in the world can end in 2012. I thought about some mistakes and things did right that made possible that i could have thoughts...
I went to school without having any sleep at all, I had a schedule, and nothing ended up the way I planned. IN fact, it's very common, despite what people think, that we which work in public education departments usually have to do a lot of things as fast as possible to complete our schedule. I start to do somehing and someone calls me. I was only a philosofy theacher, but now i'm a coordenator, and my job seems to be mind people needs and mediate.
A lot of changes have been occuring and sometimes we get a little lost.
However, i placed a text in the pannel the other day, thinking about cheering up everyone. "The eagle and the chicken" by Leonardo Boff. There is shown the situation of a farmer used to routine. He raised chicken, and someday, he found an eaglet in a nest. But since he's never been out of his farm, he didn't know what an eagle was, nor even what kind of bird was that. So, he raised the eagle with the other chickens, until a naturalist found it and, noticing that is was not a chicken, took it to the open fields so it could fly. The eagle was not secure enough to fly, missing the protection of the poultry yard, where it has food whenever it wants. Then, the naturalist took it to a high mount and threw the bird without thinking twice. The eagle thought it would die, but it flew.
From the highs he saw the poultry yard, very small on the ground so far, and it noticed that it was a waste of time, being locked up there.
So, is the whole of a teacher being this boring naturalist? the one who recognizes an eagle, or some eagles and make them fly without question?
No human being was designed to look down the floor and eat seeds, while it has the possibility to reach the skies.

1968

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

1968

I was born in 1968. I beleive this was a special year, when the Student's Revolution in Paris have ocurred, huge manifestations of the UNE and the murder of Martin Luther King, in Memphis.
In Brazil, the Military Dictatorship ruled with power, while the socialist or the politized resistance tried to mantain themselves alive, just like a fish, struggling for life when out of water, trying to go back to where it's free to live.
I think this kind of "revolutionary spirit" has become a part of, or at least something that bothers inside me.
1968 was a year that shaked the world. Maybe the anthitesis of a system. Though revolutions make part in history of humanity, that year has probably proved that people are not completely alienated, stactic.
All over the world an influence and power game made of the world a Tic-a-Tac table. For a moment, there was beleif in the end of Pathernalism, and on the other hand, willing or not, the end of submission made need of new icons.
Maybe 1968 is the simbol of the 60's decade, with it's changes in behaviour like the contraseptive adhesion, women, teenagers, partidary and black people rights.
By that time, it was said that the stronger would survive, but, Who are this stronger ones? The ones that lead during the moment we're looking? Not. It seems time is much bigger than our awareness of if.

---

Wednsday, May 7th, 2008

Begginings

To understand the present, some memories have to be brought back, should they be words or images... Sometimes we don't remember people faces, but we do remember their voices, senetences... It's interesting, sometimes we remember nothing but a smile, and this is something that always remain. It seem to comprehend the whole only by itself...
The idea of making a diary comes from the need of pure expression. to be able to tell, regardless of age or anything, a little of the stories of our pathway.
Writing frees the movement and replenishes the soul. I don't consider my life such a big deal for me to have my own diary, but it's peculiar since I passed my life trying not to become futile.
My name's not Cecília, but I see a lot of beauty and strengh in that name, and that's the reason I chose it as a pseudonym. I'm 39 years old, and i'm very confortable with it, as if each year is a butterfly that lands here, there, very far or deep inside me.
I'll try to tell some parts of my life that are organized in my memory...